The update to end all updates (maybe)

Sorry I haven't updated in a month. I was planning on updating after I got back from my trip but never did. I would say things have been especially busy or crazy or something, but they really haven't that much, I just haven't been feeling much motivation to update here. Starting from the top, my vacation. It was fun. I feel like my itch to travel outside the country has been scratched. There is still something about Americana I enjoy despite the fragile state of the country right now. You could say that about any country though. Politics in Italy are just as divided and broken as ever. No matter how much I try to explain that to my mother she does not understand. She just views everything through this tourist mindest without understanding how things are only so good for her there because she is a tourist. Regardless, I enjoyed my stay. I liked getting to watch all of those movies early. Primetime was my favorite one I saw. Sadly I am being proven correcy in my prediction upon seeing it that the lack of nuance in our current culture was going to prove detrimental to how society reacted to it. Wild Horse Nine and Possible Love were also very good. I saw the latter with my step sister who I have never met despite her being my step sister for 10 years at this point. Apparently she did know I existed until a year ago. She was chill. Didn't really see her that much because I was mostly off doing my own thing, but the time we spent together watch the one day when we watched those two films was fine. We talked about movies mostly. She has a very strange knowledge base of films to draw from. Mostly mainstream animated films, but occasionally she will have seen some random very niche movie that most film people I talk to don't know about. Like, she's never heard of PTA, but has somehow seen Todd Solondz's body of work. Everyone else seemed to have a good time as well. The plane ride there was the most shoddy part of it for my mother and step father. I understand in my mother's case as she was not served her meals that she needs as she has dietary restrictions. My step father claims similar dietary restrictions in regards to gluten, which is odd as he consumes gluten constantly. In the dallas airport he ate a fucking 7/11 pizza but then on the plane "threw up" because his roll wasn't gluten free (even though I am pretty sure it was). Then in italy he ate copious amounts of pasta. I don't think he knows what gluten is or how allergies work.

Upon my return to college things were pretty back to normal. My english teacher allowed me to complete make up work over my absence and none of my other classes really had anything I missed in class. The only exception is my math class and screenwriting class. My math teacher (who is just a gta) seemed quite inept at understanding the rules around absences and completing make up quizzes in the case of an absence. Before I left he assured me I could complete a make-up, but upon returning I was informed I actually couldn't because my absence was non-medical. Whatever. I take much pity on him because he is an engineering student. Quite frankly I would rather kill myself that be in his shoes. My screenwriting professor let me just do the work without penalty because I informed him ahead of time, which I appreciated. As far as my standard film class is concerned I still don't really know what is going on with it. We have a topic proposal for our big semester project coming up, but apparently it is meant to be a group project. However, we have not discussed the project once in class and upon talking to other students last class period I am pretty sure nobody knows what is going on. The proposal is due before class tomorrow so I might just submit it anyways despite the fact I have no group. I am going to try to talk to him about it at open office hours today.

Clubs have been going good, I think. I've made acquaintances, I guess, in my film production club. We had like a movie night out screening thing that I actually went to, but afterwords I just left and didn't talk to anyone there. I know that is sad. I am a sad man. The movie was good. It was the new resident evil film. That was actually the second time I saw it as I watched it first the weekend prior. It's very good so I didn't mind watching it twice. The other club I have been going to is only kind of a club. Mostly it's a by-product of my DJ thing. I like the DJing. My last set was especially fun because I tried out spinning vinyl which I really liked doing despite my trainer being too scared to teach me how to do it. Even though I winged it I think it went well. I actually got a request callin, which never happens. Sadly I couldn't find the song he wanted but I played similar songs by the same artist. The whole social aspect of being a staff member for the station has not been made entirely apparent to me though. I hung up some posters around campus with people and went to this "field day" thing (that ultimately ended up being held inside due to rain, go figure). There was a group trivia game, which in theory should have allowed me to make new connections, but alas I am a horrible socializer. I actually saw one of the people in my group at a punk show last friday night, but I did not talk to her, not really anyways.

My grandpa came up and brought me more meat the friday after I returned to Kansas. I have been making much use of this meat but it is still hard to make a dent in because he brought me so much. We went out to eat that day as well. I appreciate all he does for me, but it is still awkward to talk with him given how strongly evangelical he is and how racist he can me. For instance, at the texas roadhouse he kept talking about how when he lasted visited Minneasota it was overrun by "dirty muslims". He also can't stop talking about how much he wants to go to Israel. Still, his bringing me meat means I do not have to grocery shop, which is good as I have no job. I could always get a job, but the idea of being employed sends a shiver down my spine. The amount of hours I would need to work on the pay that these jobs I would be working pays does not make me much money anyways. I have been doordashing to make money instead, which has been proving somewhat fruitful. Unfortunately my car broke down. I do not know how sustainable this life can be for me. I don't even think my being at school is doing in much in the way of improving my life. I do not really fit in there.

The weekend after my family on my mom's side came to visit. It's always nice to see them although I never have much to say about their visiting as they come up so frequently. This most recent weekend I saw my good friend Lee, who goes by Noah now I think, although I do not know with whom and when to use which name, so I mostly defer from using any name at all. We were going to see a punk show together, but he got the timing wrong or something so I went alone. I made small talk with many there but nothing beyond. Afterwards I went to his dorm. It was his roommate's birthday so he was gone for a bit. Me and my friend watched the finale of Bunch of Friends. It wasn't very good unfortunately. I ended up sleeping on my friend's couch as it was raining that night and due to a lack of parking options on campus I had to park half a mile away. This apparently angered his roomate, although I think it was just bringing up frustration between the two that was already there. I don't think the roomate situation will last beyond this year. The next morning he brought me breakfast from the dining hall, but dropped it in the hallway. I helped him clean it up. What remained of the breakfast post dropping was not very good anyways. When I returned to my apartment I found a mysterious note written on the underside of a laundry bin wishing for me to catch and intestinal parasite. I do not know who wrote it. I then drove to Kansas City to watch the new John Wilson film. I was very good and very funny, but my enjoyment was soured by the fact that I had to get my car towed since the engine mysteriously started smoking and making an awful noise. I believe everyone telling me that my subaru will "last forever" have drastically shortened its life span.

Luckily I had AAA from my grandmother so the tow came at no cost to me and my mom's neighbor was able to look at the car for free as she is a mechanic and owns her shop. I am blessed in many ways. I still believe that things will work out for me, although in the harder times I find myself having to remind myself of that more and more. I think I need a therapist as I am becoming increasingly depressed and suicidal but have no one to talk about it with. One of these day I think I will probably just die. I'm not sure when exactly, but probably sooner rather than later. My continued presence on this planet is bringing up diminishing returns and there is very little I look forward to in life. I know this is a depressing note to end this on, but it is the truth. Maybe it is just this time of year. I always get so depressed in Septemeber and October. This time last year I was pretty certain I was going to kill myself soon as well. I don't know what it is. Just something in the air I guess. I'm not totally sure I have it in me to do it though. You never know though. Sometimes I suprise myself.