First Three Days

I know it hasn't been long since my last update, but I felt compelled to write another. Yesterday I had my first film class. It has definitely been my favorite so far, but I do feel like I have some sense of imposter syndrome. Like maybe I'm not as wired to notice the things I need to for this class. Our first homework assignment was to watch Jaws, a film I have familiar with, and write about our observations. It's quite a loose and informal assignment and I followed all the guidelines, but still I think maybe I won't do good on it. It's odd how little confidence I have towards things I am quite good at. Anyways, I submitted it, so we'll see how I do. Maybe I'm still getting my nerves regarding the whole college thing out. I look around at my peers and I still feel so out of place despite being in the same age bracket and growing up in the same time. As I sit here in this plastic chair by the vending machines in this campus library I feel more connected to the vending machine stocker who just handed me a candy bar for free as opposed to the other students I notice around me. Everyone else looks like a copy and paste of the most ordinary people imaginable who I have for one reason or another come to loathe throughout my live. It's strange how I simutaneously feel both like I am superior to these people in some way, but also deeply inferior in others. I don't know. My whole existance feels contridictory sometimes.

I haven't seen my friend who I spent the weekend with since the weekend. Or I guess I have but he didn't see me and I didn't say anything. Maybe if I see him before class today I'll say something this time. I have however seen several other people I know, some more than others. After class on Monday I tried getting on the bus to go home, but I got on the wrong bus. It wasn't a huge deal in the long run as I just needed to go home for the day, so I just road the wrong bus until it looped back around to my original stop and took the right bus from there. However, on that bus I ran into someone I knew in elementary school, but have seen rarely since. In the years since elementary school I have come to the conclusion that many of the people I at the time thought of as friends were actually not very fond of me whatsoever and secretly made fun of me. I don't care much about this, as it did not affect me at the time, but I do know it to be true given what I have been told by people I have kept in contact with from those years. However, I am confident in believing that this particular individual who I met on the bus is one who was actually genuinely kind to me. I always held some reverence for our friendship and think it did come from a genuine place. She was one of the only people who attended my 3rd grade birthday party after all. I have always imagined coming back into contact with her again, but I never took the initiative. I feel like this encounter would have been the opprotunity, but I did not take it. I merely waited there in silence until she got off the bus and wished her farewell.

The next day I saw another friend of mine who I have been wanting to kindle a closer friendship with, but again I sort of blew my chance. She had an hour and a half before her next class and I had nothing to do but going home. We could've gotten something to eat or anything really, but instead I just walked with her until she got close to her dorm and she left. I do believe I will see her again at some point, but it was basically the perfect storm to hang out and I let it pass. At least we shared some kind of conversation. Granted it was quite generic catching-up talk, but it was better than the aforementioned encounter on the bus.

Anyways, I still think my time here has been going well so far as I have at least had things to say about my experiences which is more than I can say of my life before I started here. The post office was a blackhole that ate away your time and gave you nothing in return. Except money I suppose. I did just get paid out my PTO yesterday, which is sick. All in all it wasn't a horrible job, but it does have the major disadvantage that all jobs have, which is that they are jobs.

In other news Dolly Parton died yesterday. Then I found out today Tim Curry died. I'm starting to believe that the good don't nessisarily always die young, but they do always die before the bad people. Even if it's only a couple of years. I haven't done any research, but based on purely anecdotal experience I do think that evil people have longer lifespans on average. As for why I can't say. The universe is cruel I guess. I'm started to believe that maybe there is some order to the universe. Perhaps not in the sense of a higher power necesarily, but it some sense I do think it is there. Maybe not predetermined but definitely more a we reap what we sow. Boy are we sowing right now.